A Journey Toward Intrinsic Validation

image created on Canva by Madeline Summers, 2023

My early memories are hazy, but the scattered few I can recall with clarity make by neurodivergence that much more obvious. I had a collection of Beanie Kids, I think I had around 50, and they were displayed in a glass-doored cabinet. I would obsessively arrange them in neat rows, organised by birthday, or colour, or name - whatever I thought was the most important that day. At a family friend's house, I lined up their stuffed animals neatly by the window. I once rubbed my forehead on the carpet for around 10 minutes waiting for mum to come out of the bathroom. I gave myself carpet burn that day. I read obsessively. I always had a messy room. I struggled making friends. I obsessed over the mannerisms of others, copying them until I effectively masked myself to blend in.

Masking has shielded me for most of my life. But there have been days when it would slip, and I’d have an autistic meltdown – which I’d thought were panic attacks at the time. They manifested as me completely going nonverbal, or flapping my hands in panic, or freaking out and unintentionally hurting those around me with my words. I never knew it was from overstimulation or the extreme fatigue brought on by masking for too long. For so long I never understood why I was reacting like this when most people didn’t.

My sister was the first one to suggest I might have ADHD like her. I scoffed. Not a chance, I never experience hyperactivity. But what I didn’t know until I did some research was that I undeniably experienced attention deficiency. Studying never came easy, I forgot things all the time, and I have always been messy, no matter how hard I wanted to clean.

One day, inexplicably I stumbled upon a social media post outlining some basic autistic signs – masking, stimming, meltdowns, and the like. Then I googled. And from there, I fell down a rabbit hole. It was like suddenly everything about myself I didn’t understand was clicking into place, and the puzzle pieces of my life were slotted correctly, slowly clarifying what I always knew but didn’t understand – my differences were because I was had autism.

My quality of life has improved exponentially since figuring all this out. Maybe one day – when I can afford it – I’ll got properly diagnosed. But for now, I live life every day with a little bit more compassion for myself, my neurodivergent brain, and blunders along the way.

References:

Beanie Kids Soft Toys | Nana’s Teddies & Toys. (n.d.). Nana’s Teddies. Retrieved November 2, 2023, from https://www.teddys.com.au/product-category/beanie-kids/

Bennie, M. (2022, January 11). What is autistic masking? Autism Awareness. https://autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-autistic-masking/

National Autistic Society. (2020, August 14). Meltdowns - a guide for all audiences. Www.autism.org.uk; National Autistic Society. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences

Sreenivas, S. (2021, March 18). ADHD in Women. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/adhd-in-women